As well as waiting for results and a diagnosis, the good thing that I am waiting for is 22nd July, that is the day that my love arrives for good, no more airport tears!
I cannot wait for us to be together all the time - just a week to go!!
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
Friday, 11 July 2008
Thursday, 10 July 2008
scan done and dusted
OK, I know it is not good english to start a sentence with ok, but what the hell. So the scan is done, thank goodness, to my surprise just scanned my head and neck - guess I figured they would do at least my back too, but I suppose they know what they are doing - and now back to the waiting game, apparently (the scan was done by a private company taken on to reduce NHS waiting lists) the company now send my pictures to South Africa or somewhere in the EU to be looked at by a radiologist, seems a bizarre thing to do to me, but again I suppose they know what they are doing, then they come back and go to the consultant, and I will then have to wait for him to pass comment on to my GP, so I have no idea how long that will take, mighty quick I imagine if you have lots of money to wave around, but for most of us mere mortals these things seem to take much time. Well as each day passes at least I know that in 11 days my love will be coming for good, on 22nd July he moves in for good, no more tearful goodbyes at the airport - hurrah, I can't wait to have him here!
Monday, 7 July 2008
some knowledge..maybe
This morning I found out that I get my MRI scan on Thursday, well not too bad as NHS goes for urgent case, I only had to wait two weeks...and now I am not sure if I feel more scared because I am going for the scan, I guess a little part of me could still pretend this wasn't happening sometimes, but now..no going back, can't run from this one I'm afraid!
Sunday, 6 July 2008
hmmm
I hope that nobody minds me using pictures of their wonderful artwork on my blog...it is only because I love the work and it moves me.
Saturday, 5 July 2008
more unknown
Also I know it affects my man, he watches me everyday, sees me cry, sees me worry, he is so patient with me, so calm, he deserves a good life, the best life. I hope that life will be with me, but I am so so scared it will not.
unknown
Last wednesday I paid a visit to a neurologist, who bluntly told me that either there was some problem with my spine in which case i would need surgery, or I may have MS or some such thing..he told me the best one i could hope for was that I needed surgery. He then said I required an urgent MRI scan and then a lumbar puncture. But as I live in the UK and am not a wealthy person, for an urgent MRI I have to wait a month or so!
And so I wait, full of fear, well actually I feel consumed with fear, fear of my future or possible lack of it, fear of things I will have to go through, fear of no control, no choices, fear of lack of privacy, fear of things that might be, fear of tings that may never be, my mind has been spiralling, and mostley I admit, downwards. This should be the happiest time of my life, I have the man of my dreams moving over from The Netherlands in 17 days for us to live together, which makes me so happy, but instead all the time there is this fear inside me, and sometimes crazy as it may sound the fact that he loves me so much and that I love him so much, makes me even more afraid. I worry for him that he is entering into a life that will be full of hard work, and I may be a burden, he deserves much much more than that. I know I have been pushing him away, trying to convince him to stay in Holland, or just delay the moving over, even though that is the last thing I want, if he actually said he wasn't coming I feel like I would die, but then a tiny part of me thinks that if he decides not to come if i feel so bad it will be easier to give up.
Before I met him, I had not lived and now I am so happy, but i feel like I'm going to be taken away from all that I dreamt of.
And so I wait, full of fear, well actually I feel consumed with fear, fear of my future or possible lack of it, fear of things I will have to go through, fear of no control, no choices, fear of lack of privacy, fear of things that might be, fear of tings that may never be, my mind has been spiralling, and mostley I admit, downwards. This should be the happiest time of my life, I have the man of my dreams moving over from The Netherlands in 17 days for us to live together, which makes me so happy, but instead all the time there is this fear inside me, and sometimes crazy as it may sound the fact that he loves me so much and that I love him so much, makes me even more afraid. I worry for him that he is entering into a life that will be full of hard work, and I may be a burden, he deserves much much more than that. I know I have been pushing him away, trying to convince him to stay in Holland, or just delay the moving over, even though that is the last thing I want, if he actually said he wasn't coming I feel like I would die, but then a tiny part of me thinks that if he decides not to come if i feel so bad it will be easier to give up.
Before I met him, I had not lived and now I am so happy, but i feel like I'm going to be taken away from all that I dreamt of.
Friday, 4 July 2008
Wednesday, 2 July 2008
this is where i met my soulmate
The picture below, on the last post, is my avatar and his avatar. I met the love of my life on something called second life - strange as i feel my first life didn't start until I met this wonderful man!
Second life I went on out of curiosity and fun, I had no intention of hooking up with anyone, I was quite content with my single life.
Quite by accident in SL our paths crossed and somehow we ended up in a conversation - I knew we would always be friends from that moment, I did not expect that he would turn out to be the most incredible man I had ever met, the most loving, kind, strong,(0oh I could go on and on!)angel of a man! Sometimes it feels overwhelming how much I love him - I am a lucky woman to have found a love like this in such a random way, or maybe it wasn't random, maybe nothing is random.
Second life I went on out of curiosity and fun, I had no intention of hooking up with anyone, I was quite content with my single life.
Quite by accident in SL our paths crossed and somehow we ended up in a conversation - I knew we would always be friends from that moment, I did not expect that he would turn out to be the most incredible man I had ever met, the most loving, kind, strong,(0oh I could go on and on!)angel of a man! Sometimes it feels overwhelming how much I love him - I am a lucky woman to have found a love like this in such a random way, or maybe it wasn't random, maybe nothing is random.
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
Things I know
- I am a 39 year old woman.
- 10 months ago I met the man i want to spend the rest of my life with.
- I love this man with all my heart, and he feels the same toward me.
- he makes me feel loved, safe, secure, happy.
- he bought me some red shoes.
- he changed my life for the better.
- I never believed I would experience love like this.
- It is the best feeling in the world !
some things we know for sure
some things we know for sure, or maybe we only think we do, and some things we feel we definitely do not know, like maybe if I pursue this thought pattern much longer I will turn into Donald Rumsfeld!
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