unknown

Last wednesday I paid a visit to a neurologist, who bluntly told me that either there was some problem with my spine in which case i would need surgery, or I may have MS or some such thing..he told me the best one i could hope for was that I needed surgery. He then said I required an urgent MRI scan and then a lumbar puncture. But as I live in the UK and am not a wealthy person, for an urgent MRI I have to wait a month or so!
And so I wait, full of fear, well actually I feel consumed with fear, fear of my future or possible lack of it, fear of things I will have to go through, fear of no control, no choices, fear of lack of privacy, fear of things that might be, fear of tings that may never be, my mind has been spiralling, and mostley I admit, downwards. This should be the happiest time of my life, I have the man of my dreams moving over from The Netherlands in 17 days for us to live together, which makes me so happy, but instead all the time there is this fear inside me, and sometimes crazy as it may sound the fact that he loves me so much and that I love him so much, makes me even more afraid. I worry for him that he is entering into a life that will be full of hard work, and I may be a burden, he deserves much much more than that. I know I have been pushing him away, trying to convince him to stay in Holland, or just delay the moving over, even though that is the last thing I want, if he actually said he wasn't coming I feel like I would die, but then a tiny part of me thinks that if he decides not to come if i feel so bad it will be easier to give up.
Before I met him, I had not lived and now I am so happy, but i feel like I'm going to be taken away from all that I dreamt of.